What About Me?
by Greg Bufkin
Sometimes in life, we are offered great opportunities for reflection and introspection. Mine came during the “lockdown” of the COVID 19 pandemic. It was then that I realized the stark difference between my perception and reality. My family and I used this time for lots of things, but one was binge-watching movies. We watched The Hobbit Trilogy (2012-2014), The Lord of The Rings Trilogy (2001-2003), Hacksaw Ridge (2016), and several other movies. One thing jumped out, the heroes in these movies, in most movies really, have one important quality in common: they are focused on something bigger than themselves.
What’s Our Focus?
One attitude glaringly apparent during the COVID 19 pandemic lockdown was the focus of “What about me?” From hoarding toilet paper, cleaning supplies, and food, to people not practicing common sense social distancing, we clearly saw the prevalent mindset demonstrated, “What about me?” We tend to consider our wellbeing, comfort, reputation, convenience, and happiness, above all else.
Authors Roy Williams and Michael Drew, in their collaborative book Pendulum: How Past Generations Shape Our Present and Predict Our Future, observe that culture is on a pendulum with an 80-year circuit. On one swing, the self-centered society of the Rockefellers and Vanderbilts at the turn of the century, then on the other, the GI society of World War II, banding together to save the world, then back to the plastic, individualistic society that spawned the likes of Disco.
Williams and Drew look back at 3,000 years of evidence of this 80-year juggernaut theory. The evidence is compelling. According to Williams and Drew, the pendulum works like this:
We oscillate between a civic-minded “We” society and an individualist “Me” society. In a “We” it is important to be part of something bigger than yourself. Society will come together to achieve some great task or fix some great ill. Then we get a little nuts, insisting on conformity and ostracizing those who don’t adhere to group norms. We see witch hunts and McCarthyism during these extremes. Then the “Me” society begins to emerge.
In his review of Drew and Williams’ book, Brian Massey notes that the “Me” society rewards individual accomplishment. Freedom and self-expression hold sway until things get out of hand (again), and our culture begins to honor fake, plastic, and posing behavior. This is when we’ve seen Robber Baron’s rule (1903), and we’ve hired an actor for President (1983). And the pendulum swings back.
Finding ourselves, as a nation in the “nutty end of the’ We’ side,” it is a natural reaction that we would ask the question lately, “What about me?” And while asking that question is not bad, in and of itself, if we live our lives by that question, if that is our central perspective in life, we lose the opportunity to be the heroes we’re all called to be.
Bag End’s door. Image courtesy of Douglas Bagg on Unsplash.
How Can We Be Heroes?
Bilbo and Frodo
In the trilogies The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings Bilbo and Frodo Baggins put their lives on hold, leaving the place they love and their comfortable lives to transform the world they live in, doing a job nobody else can or will do. The two are a stark contrast in how they begin, endure, and approach the end of their respective journeys.
Bilbo is hesitant, flatly refusing to join the company as they attempt to regain the Dwarf’s ancestral homeland, yet eventually reconsiders, believing in his worthiness to join the quest, even if his self-assuredness wavers at times. As the story unfolds, he finds himself equal to the challenges time and time again, though his companions doubt his ability and commitment. As the story concludes, we see an extremely confident Hobbit radically transforming the world in which he lives.
When Frodo’s journey begins, he enthusiastically volunteers (really even before he’s asked) for the quest. As his journey unfolds, we find him less and less confident in his ability to accomplish the mission he’s endeavoring to complete, leaning more on the strengths of those around him to succeed. Towards the end, he not only has to be physically carried to the finish line by his companion Sam, but he also refuses to destroy the ring (deciding to keep it for himself) which was the entire purpose for his journey. In the end, he only destroys the ring by accident when his partial ally, a partial enemy, tries to steal the ring from him.
These two Hobbits both end up heroes, transforming the world they live in, even though they both take very different paths to get there, because they were willing to change their perspective, seeing their role in this world as that of a servant rather than one wanting to be served.
Desmond Doss
In Hacksaw Ridge Army medic Desmond Doss saves the lives of seventy-five soldiers by putting himself in extreme danger. After enduring weeks of abuse at the hands of his fellow boot campers, he did not want to carry a weapon into battle as a conscientious objector. The commanding officers, training sergeant, and other men in his company think him a coward. They harass him in every way possible, trying to force him to quit, even attempting to court-martial him when he does not sacrifice his principles and will not quit despite the abuse, standing firm in his convictions.
When they finally get into combat, he saves the lives of one man after another. Throughout the battle Doss remains in harm’s way, even when the entire attacking force he began with retreats, and pulls wounded soldiers off the battlefield. Meanwhile, the Japanese soldiers surround him, killing the wounded, hunting for anybody left alive. His dedication to saving lives is so complete he even attempts to save three enemy combatants.
Honor. Image courtesy of the British Library on Unsplash.
Desmond’s story would never have happened if, at any point, he would’ve asked the question, “What about me?” His only desires are to honor God and serve his country, by saving the lives of soldiers in combat, all while refusing to take lives, or even carry a weapon to defend himself.
Part of the popularity of these movies is that deep down; we aspire to be something bigger than ourselves. Some part of us yearns to live a life that makes that kind of impact in the world around us. Unfortunately, we get derailed by the natural inclination to first think, “What about me?” Every single one of us is not only called to be the hero in somebody’s story, we are all fully capable of rising to that challenge if we see the world as it is, and simply make a choice to do something different.
Can I Simply Choose to be a Hero?
Deep down, most of us want to be the hero. The reason we enjoy a great movie or book is that deep in our brain, we see ourselves rising to the occasion as the hero does. Most of us would never see ourselves as the character who betrays their friends, slinks away from the fight, or disappoints in some way. The point is that we can all be the heroes in somebody’s story if we simply make ourselves available, recognize our limitations, and simply do what we can.
Recognizing our vulnerabilities and limitations is a grueling, and often painful process, it is the best way to live and become the best version of ourselves. This not only enables us to live our best life but also allows us to become the hero those around us need. I have lived my entire life with a burning desire to be the hero. Some part of my subconscious desperately needed to be seen as a great guy that did wonderful things for people, changing lives all along the way.
I was a pastor for a decade; my congregants loved me. But there was a secret addiction to prescription pain medication that nobody understood. It cost me my career, two marriages, and almost every other thing I valued or loved. This all happened because all I ever thought about was, “What about me?”
What Circumstances Expose Your Vulnerability?
Vulnerable. Image courtesy of Noah Buscher on Unsplash.
Often, the thing that exposes our particular vulnerabilities is simply recognizing our tendency to ask the question, “What about me?” When we focus solely on what is best for ourselves, ignoring the needs of the world around us, we lose the ability to be that hero. Heroes choose to see the needs of others and to act in whatever way they can to meet those needs.
We can choose to search for our “What about me?” tendencies, or they can be discovered through life’s circumstances. Either way, we will have a vast number of opportunities to see the “What about me?” mindset. The question is, will we allow that mindset to continue, unchallenged, or will we rise to the occasion, transforming our self-view and world view, leaving behind who we’ve always been, so we might become who we should have been all along?
Upon leaving rehab and working the Twelve Steps, I discovered that the root cause of my addiction was rejection as a child and an inferiority complex developed from it. I was a broken, hurting little boy that grew into a broken, hurting man. In my early sobriety, I identified this root of brokenness, but I didn’t process through it. I simply learned how to function around it. I had discovered that by doing so many things for other people, receiving praise, I could feel good about myself, that I had value. I was no longer using prescription pain medication, but I was still living with a “What about me?” mindset. But there was a fall coming.
Stuck in an Unhealthy Mindset
Being stuck in the “what about me?” mindset is an unhealthy way to live. Even by putting on the appearance of being healthy on the surface, it does not make us healthy inside. That façade can only last so long. As the hurts mount, others get recognition when we don’t; friends let us down, life doesn’t work out exactly how we planned, we want to fall back on that same question “What about me?”
Every loss or disappointment is crushing, crippling our ability to move to the next season of life by anchoring us to unmet expectations. While we stew in how unfair it was or what we thought we deserved, rather than learning whatever lesson was available and proceeding on to the next inevitable challenge, a little wiser than before. Choosing to remain stagnant, stuck in the same cesspool of frustration and bitterness, rather than rising to the challenge of living life in the freedom that’s available to us all. We can only do this by dealing with reality rather than sticking with our limited perspective.
Reality Often Differs from Our Perspective
One of the changes I needed to make was working on how I see myself. Do I see myself as God sees me, or as I think others see me? Is my value defined by God or by man?
Light in a dark place. Image courtesy of Severin Höin on Unsplash.
I’ve done a lot of soul-searching lately. Highlighting unhealthy patterns, working hard to choose to see me, and others as God sees them, not allowing people to assign value to myself or those around me. My relationships with the friends I have left are amazing. I have discovered the value of true friendship in a few is far more valuable than having 5,000 Facebook “friends” who really care very little about me, if at all. I am slowly becoming the best version of myself. It all started when I stopped asking the question, “What about me?” This transformation began when I started doing the right thing rather than the thing that most benefited me.
One of the changes was how I defined friendship. I realized that the best way to define friendship was not by holding expectations of how friends should treat me, but by being intentionally biblical about how I demonstrated friendship to those around me. In the Bible, we are told that friends love at all times (Proverbs 17:17), only wound us in ways that are trustworthy (Prov 27:6), are often more loyal than family (Prov 18:24), provide mutual edification (Prov 27:17), and may even sacrifice themselves for us in a host of ways (John 15:13).
If I model this type of friendship, using this model as my definition, it will be easy to see who my real friends are. It will also enable me to impact the world around me heroically. But I will never be able to model this type of friendship with a “What about me?” perspective. This is the central theme of the Gospel.
This is the Main Theme of the Gospel?
The Gospel message is this (summed up in Romans 5:8, “that while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me.” Nothing that Jesus did in his life ever asked, “What about me?”
He willingly served those around him, loving them despite their brokenness and meeting their needs. He befriended the lonely, the outcast, and the broken. He fed them. He healed them. He simply loved them, without reservation, without expectation. And for it, he was despised, rejected, beaten, tortured, and killed. Even his best friends, the twelve disciples, all abandoned him at the end, except for one. At no point did He say, “What about me?”
The true Gospel has always been about serving others. It has always been about denying ourselves. It comes down to rejecting our perception of reality, accepting the truth of our circumstances, receiving Christ’s freely offered forgiveness, and walking in service of others.
Jesus said in John 15:13, “no greater love is there than this, that man should lay down his life for his friends.” Maybe our friends need to hear about our struggles to know they are not alone. Maybe our transparency gives somebody enough hope to make it through the day. Maybe it isn’t all about me.
What Does All This Mean for ME?
None of the heroes in the movies mentioned set out to be a hero. They just did the next right thing, without asking, “What about me?” becoming the hero in somebody else’s story.
The call of Christ isn’t to get our “get out of hell free card.” Salvation was never the goal. It is not a box to check; then go back to our routine. The call of Christ was that we are redeemed into a right relationship with Him, refined and transformed into the best version of ourselves. This best version necessitates that we stop living life as If the world revolves around us. Our lives should revolve around glorifying God and growing His kingdom. Those two goals are the same. Once I am on the path to becoming the best version of myself, how could I ever idly pass by others who have no idea that something better is out there, without telling them about it?
My wife loves to reference the “Crab Mentality” or the Crabs in a Bucket Theory. This theory states that in a bucket of crabs, when any crab gets close to climbing out and achieving freedom, the other crabs will pull it back down, thus assuring the crab’s demise.
This is the “What about me?” question at work. Imagine instead, if we started pushing other crabs towards the top, lifting towards freedom and a better life, modeling something different. If we help them achieve their goals of freedom and a better life, I bet one of them would turn around and pull us out. But even if they do not, it is not about me. I trust Christ to provide as he promises faithfully. Just because the moment doesn’t turn out how I envisioned, doesn’t mean that God doesn’t have something better for me right around the corner.
People will never write songs about me. I feel sure there won’t be movies or books about my life and how I changed the world. My name will not go down in history with any significant note of importance. But one day, some old man will tell his grandchildren about some seemingly insignificant thing I did that transformed his life, and I will unknowingly be the hero of that story. And it won’t be because I thought, “What about me?” It will be because I did the next right thing. Join me in the noble quest.
Songs of our Heroes. Image courtesy of Tommaso Pecchioli on Unsplash.
Resources
We’ve created a free downloadable PDF to explore the article deeper. It contains discussion questions about the topic in general terms that will give you a jumping-off point for beginning a conversation.
The second page contains a way to see the topic from a biblical perspective.
And finally, to go deeper into the subject, we have chosen a few curated resources to explore from other authors’ and thinkers’ research or perspectives.
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