Issue #16 Featured Artist: Yuzuri Nagai
Drowning in Blue
by Yuzuri Nagai
Maybe I should stop trying to keep my head above water but sink instead.
And see if I’m capable of experiencing the deepest blue.
I might not make it.
I might not live through.
The unknown might eat me up.
But at this point, I’ll rather die in blue than get on another makeshift boat, pretend to play and never truly live for once.
Sukumo Indigo Dyed Scarf (rayon. cotton) (2020). Image courtesy Yuzuri Nagai.
Born and raised in the Christian community, I’ve gone through ups and downs in my spiritual walk, mild rebellions, small crises here and there, yet a familiar boat that I called “my safe place” has always been there to navigate me through the waves of doubts and struggles of life. The boat was my shelter where I’d feel accepted, nurtured, and understood in the arms of loving God.
Yet things felt different this time.
Tangled (hand-spun cotton thread, sukumo indigo dye) (2020). Image courtesy Yuzuri Nagai.
The boat was falling apart. It was a matter of time, and I knew I had to quickly decide what to do. I had not yet found a way to survive, but it seemed as if the only choice left for me was to let go of the boat.
So I did.
I jumped into the vast blue ocean.
No life jacket,
No lifebuoy,
No nothing.
Just me and the vast blue ocean.
Thread to Cloth 1 (hand-spun cotton thread, sukumo indigo dye) (2020). Image courtesy Yuzuri Nagai.
Thread to Cloth 2 (hand-spun cotton thread, sukumo indigo dye) (2020). Image courtesy Yuzuri Nagai.
You say God is real?
Then show me where He is.
You say He is love?
Then give me an answer to this living hell.
You say He is full of grace?
Then explain how.
I know.
You’re all keeping yourselves busy pretend playing, aren’t you?
And deep beneath, there is nothing.
But you just choose not to see.
You say you pray for me,
But you are stepping on my wounds.
I don’t want to hear you babble anymore.
I’m desperate for a real answer.
I told you I’m running out of time.
I’m drowning.
Sukumo Indigo Dyed Cloth (rayon, cotton) (2020). Image courtesy Yuzuri Nagai.
Faceless God, who once called me to live,
If you are still out there, take me to the depth where no one has ever been.
Let me sink into the deepest blue, for I have already died and have nothing to lose.
Join us for a conversation. To meet the poet + artist we’ve included this month’s Coffee w/B+PC featuring Yuzuri Nagai exploring reconnecting to God through the ancient Japanese art of fabric dyeing during a period of deconstruction.
To see more of Yuzuri’s work, please visit
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Depending on how a gem is held, light refracts differently. At B+PC we engage in Pop Culture topics to see ideas from a new angle, to bring us to a deeper understanding. And like Pastor Shane Willard notes, we want “…Jesus to get bigger, the cross to get clearer, the Resurrection to be central…” Instead of approaching a topic from “I don’t want to be wrong,“ we strive for the alternative “I want to expand my perspective.”
So, we invite you to engage with us here. What piqued your curiosity to dig deeper? What line inspired you to action? What idea made you ask, “Hmmm?” Let’s join with our community to wrestle with our thoughts in love in the Comment Section! See you there!