Modern Communication: The Trend of Being Talked At, Not To
by Mia Burke
Photo by Jason Rosewell on Unsplash.
Tables are set with bright, festive balloons and confetti centerpieces. The class is abuzz with excitement, anticipation for the upcoming semester. I look to my left at the beautiful mother of two, enthusiastic about the opportunity to create a class around the people she’s passionate about. I look across at a family who’s new to the area and ready to jump in and serve. Yet, I’m in a room with fifty people and alone. Ironically, this is my tribe. In an attempt to connect I’ve tried to start conversations only to be one-upped, un-responded to, interrupted, or ran over verbally. I’m being talked at, not to.
As a Southerner, I do what I’ve been taught- I stop talking and I listen. I’ve stopped tuning into news programs as I disdain watching two beings come together to not communicate, but win. I stopped writing emails and letters- they go unanswered, so why bother. I’m reflecting this month on modern communication and am starting to see a trend. I notice this lack of ability (or unwillingness) to communicate has become prevalent in radio, television, social media, and in real life- ghosting, gaslighting, and other inventive ways to not communicate, to not connect.
I think of the work of my best friend, Latasha in suicide and violence prevention. Isolation, suicide, and violence are on the rise. I think of the work of my friend Mel in Japan and all of the hikikomori there, my heart breaks for the world. Isolation is a lie that we’ve bought into. And our increasing inability to communicate is a lock on these self-made prisons.
In considering alternatives to my frustration with modern communication, I refuse to be a victim of the rampant disrespect and ignorance currently dictating current communication styles and further isolate myself from others. I refuse to be shamed into silence. But what’s the answer? Looking back over my education in communication, considering the communication cycle (thanks MGCCC’s speech class), I question how we may have gotten here, and what I can implement to better communicate, just maybe I can find a livable solution.
Communication Cycle Infographic. Infographic courtesy Shannon and Weaver on Pinterest.
What is Communication?
At its core communication is a cycle in which a sender and the receiver exchange information in three parts.
An idea exists in a sender’s brain.
Encoding occurs, meaning words and sentences (verbal or written) transmit to a receiver.
Decoding happens when the receiver’s brain interprets the information for understanding.
Feedback occurs when the receiver responds to the information.
Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash.
Modern Communication
A-ha! What I’m experiencing is a missing fourth step (with most people)! I have an idea, I transmit it, most people look like they understand my English, but there’s no feedback happening. Then there’s the issue of “noise,” those pesky things that get in the way of effective communication.
So what’s the problem?
Am I boring? Do people just not think anymore? Are we just so preoccupied with being right and with our own ideas, that we’ve lost all decorum and stopped listening when someone else is speaking? Or do we make a judgment based on our perception that the sender is unworthy of our time and attention? Or are we just so busy with all of the things vying for our attention, we’re overloaded? Or are we so infatuated with our own offenses we’ve stopped seeing what we have in common in favor of seeing everyone simply as an “other?” Or are people just so self absorbed they don’t see past themselves anymore?
Many issues effect communicating. It’s a complicated string to unravel.
First, there’s the sender and our perception of them.
“Ew, they have an (insert politician’s name) sticker on their computer. I have nothing to learn from them because I KNOW all about what they think.”
Then there’s the sender’s idea.
“What an idiot! I can’t believe she thinks that’s entertainment.”
There are perceptions and assumptions about what was communicated.
“Those Millennials!”
“Ok Boomer!”
There’s always the response to the message.
“Doesn’t he know I have a degree in (insert field) and he never bothered to find out that I might have something to add? If he took a breath I could share a few ideas.”
And finally, the non-verbalized, visual response.
“I’m not interested in what you said, so let me tell you my reality.”
In truth, what was communicated - “you’re not important and I’m better than you.”
Photo by John Schnobrich on Unsplash.
Perception vs. Reality
Let’s talk about social media. The fact that most communication is set up for us to be talked at, not talked to. Think about your classes, ads, etc. But the best communication is talking with you. It's an exchange. However, “Hiding behind the screen” gives us a distorted view of reality- we are who we let you see. That’s not reality. From catfishing to an easily misunderstood typed statement, to trolling- there is much room for confusion and error.
Then there’s the idea of perception. A great TED Talk by Renny Gleeson on our “Antisocial Phone Tricks” shows this idea well when a girl about to receive her first kiss is more interested in setting up the selfie-shot than actually engaging in the kiss! I’ve witnessed this in a few engagement photography shoots- the engagement seemed like an excuse for a photo op, not the first step into marriage. Ouch!
The most recent Barna study on Millennials has some interesting data on the fact that many Millennials and Z’s take other’s posts on social media as a statement on what they’re supposed to be, look like, and as a comparison as opposed to Boomers and Xers who just see it as another person’s statement on what’s going on in their life.
Out of the easily confused communication that is social media, another issue with our culture today is the manifestation of the dark side of Postmodernism. In a speech by Ravi Zacharias, he notes that there are three pieces to PM that are extremely evident when you hold it up against modern communication.
Post-Modernism says there’s no overarching story that we’re a part of. That creates a sense of isolation, that we’re flotsam in the stream of time- alone. It messes with our sense of purpose. It buys into the philosophy of Nihilism (life is meaningless/purposelessness) and Existentialism (we’re free agents to determine our fate).
No Solid Meaning to Words, They’re Fluid
When words’ meanings are fluid, there is little solid ground to build upon. Again, this is an attempt to say nothing has an inherent meaning and can be changed depending upon how I feel at the moment leaves us afloat with shaky foundations to stand upon. Like above, it plays into the philosophy of Nihilism and Existentialism. There’s freedom in playing god and defining everything ourselves, but at what cost?
No Foundation of Truth
And most difficult is the idea that morality and ethics are relative. There’s no right or wrong but what I say there is based on my experience or feelings. This is the end game of Humanism: We’re the center of the universe. But what happens on the day we catch the realization there are things bigger than ourselves, our intellect, or ability? We see it. Thus, my theory that this lack of foundation that (insert a truth) is a universal truth is why we are fascinated with superheroes. We need to be saved and we know it.
Our second biggest issue is that we’ve lost sight of reality. We’ve lost sight of the fact that communication is about the exchange of ideas. It's about me giving you something and you giving me something back. Unfortunately, as my friend Dr. Rich Hoffman noted, it's become about winning. I’m more important- what I have to say is more important - my viewpoint is more important.
Photo by John Barkiple on Unsplash.
We’ve forgotten one of the basic tenants of our faith- preferring you above me. We can disagree. We can think differently. That’s the beauty of God’s creation- variety. But,
Can we agree that God’s perspective is right? Can I respect you enough to hear you? Can I ask questions to understand you? Can I downright love you enough to give you a moment to be heard?
Why is it Important?
In a world where we seem more concerned about what people think about us than the reality of who we are, I have to ask:
What are we communicating in our communication?
Two scriptural truths that Jesus admonished the End Times Church come to mind.
Don’t let your love grow cold. When asked about what it would be like before His return, Jesus made this hard to swallow statement to His disciples:
And many will turn away from Me and betray and hate each other….Sin will be rampant everywhere, and the love of many will grow cold. (Matthew 24:1–12 NLT)
We are in a hurting world- someone needs to hold the candle of hope. Please don’t give in to despair. Call your son-in-law, again. Take another stab at talking to that annoying parishioner who doesn’t ever take a breath/listen, again. Forgive that guy who ghosted your email, again. Ask for clarification on why they said (insert perceived negative word), again. Keep loving anyway.
I think of The Paradoxical Commandments written by my former boss, Dr. Kent Keith:
People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men
and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway. (1)
And the second, Keep trying- endure until the end. Matthew 24:13 records Jesus saying,
But the one who endures to the end will be saved.
Being an overcomer is an expectation of us by Jesus.
Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash.
And on a more practical note in modern communication, choose your battles. Not everything is worth fighting or correcting. One tactic that diffuses things quickly (or at least keeps it from escalating or clarifies misunderstandings) is to ask questions. Ask for clarification. Be a learner. Give grace, and in rare cases- just move on.
Spend your energy building your tribe- they’re out there. Keep looking. Keep being vulnerable. Keep being you. You’ll find those who treasure you. Give what you want to receive and in time, you’ll reap your harvest of strong relationships, intimate communication, and fullness of friendships!
So, can we take a moment to consider how we’re communicating, and choose to be more? Choose to exchange ideas, to talk with people, not at them. Our culture needs us to be more. The Kingdom calls us to do more.
works cited
© Copyright Kent M. Keith 1968, renewed 2001
Resources
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WHAT DO YOU THINK?
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