by Hokule’a Ganiron

My body here, my mind adrift. 

I’m surrounded by winter’s hollow presence.

I’m numb and dizzy, wrung out from routine’s cyclical motion. 

I wonder how I got here. 

I wonder why I continue to stay here. 

I’m not suffering, but I’m not thriving. 

First crystallization, then fragmentation. 

My soul breaks into hairline fractures like ice. 

I am empty. 

The hibernating season has ended, but it feels like I’m still asleep, lost in a dream.

I remember a time in my spiritual journey when I felt like I met my first long winter. Everything seemed barren. I was doing so much, yet I felt empty. I had fallen into the trappings of a routine faith. Doing all the right things, yet feeling as though spring and new life was far off, in an unseen distance. 

Denial had been lurking around, decorating my inner world, with the illusion of “good works.” All the while, in the depths of my soul, I was plagued with the stale waters of apathy and stagnation. 

Like a motion picture playing, I could see the world around me, moving through frames like a time-lapse in motion. Creation, preservation, deterioration, back to creation, and again the cycle repeats itself.

Intuitively I knew that the world around me was changing. I knew that I was changing. But the institution I had given my life to, the Church, didn’t seem to be adapting to the inevitable shifts of nature.  Of course, change was happening through pioneering individuals and small pockets of faithful communities, including the one I was a part of, but in its larger context, change felt scarce. It’s like the collective consciousness had risen, and the more the Church ignored the signs of aging, the further and further the outside world was drifting from its walls and influence. 

I wondered if I could contribute a single building block to help pave a new way forward, like so many of God's people were already doing. I sensed that I was being silently drawn into deeper waters, but the future was unknown. I didn’t feel like I was abandoning my faith, but my faith had been set ablaze. Everything I thought I once knew was now drifting away like a heap of ashes, blown by the wind. 

I’ve met my own darkness 

I’ve lassoed my demon and muzzled it back to its cave

I’ve tamed the wild dragon until it lay dormant, weak, and shackled. 

But every now and again it gains enough strength to rear its ugly head, 

and I’m faced with it in battle.

Slain again, and again, 

I have to face its power in waves. 

Alas, it is not my sword that dismantles my enemy, 

but a still small voice. 

The most transformative moments in my life were the moments that I was a recipient of grace. They were not times that I was able to muster enough willpower to make better decisions, or when I had everything figured out. They were the moments when I deserved to be reprimanded but instead was met with a loving embrace. 

It was the moments that a voice called me forward into who I could become, and affirmed my inherent goodness, that gave me the power to break the cycle of sin. It was the voice of truth, reminding me that I was made in the image of God and that I had the power to align with the truth of my existence. These voices were the ones that shaped me. They are the ones that continue to stir up hope for a better future. 

I recently learned a South African Zulu greeting that put language to these moments of grace: 

Sawabona

It essentially means, 

“I see you. And by seeing you, I bring you into being.” 

I love this greeting because it reminds us that we can only become who we are meant to be, through the people that surround us. We cannot thrive in this life alone.  It is through real relationships, authentic connections, and loving communities that we move into being. 

This was seen and exemplified through the life of Jesus. There are countless stories of people experiencing healing and transformation, and if you look back, you will notice that it always started with him seeing the other person. I believe, as the representing body of Christ, we too should move through life seeing and being this way for others. 

But what does it mean to be truly seen in a culture where your life can be on display at the click of an app? Just as a person has many layers that make up who they are, there is also a succession of seeing a human being until you get down to their very core. Once you’re able to get beyond the ego, you can actually begin to see a person for who they truly are, for who they could become, and for who they have always been.  There is an electric current that flows through being both the seer and the seen. It is a symbiotic flow of give and receive. It’s a mutual agreement that we are always on the journey of “becoming,” but we are not alone, and we are committed to helping one another along the way.  

I believe we all have the capacity to contribute toward creating a new way forward, where people are really seen, actually loved, and sincerely accepted into wholeness. When we can hold this kind of space for another person without the need to fix them, cure them, or change them, we give them a Sawabona. We give them the gift of being known.  We bring heaven down on earth, and we experience God in the flesh. 

When we give someone a Sawabona, the “seer” cooperates with the Holy Spirit to facilitate new life and transformation, through the act of love. 

The “seen” is guided deeper on the path of remembering who they truly are, by experiencing radical grace in such a way that it changes them from the inside, out. Holding this space allows a person to be where they are on the journey without judgment, but it is faithfully committed to calling them forth into newness. To give a Sawabona is to give the heart of God to another. It is to be the Church. 

Your gaze awakens me.

It jolts me out of my slumber, reminding me that I AM here. 

Your eyes pierce through my facade, and I AM naked.

You call forth parts of me that I have never known, and I AM found. 

Light breaks through the faded window pane, and I see that I AM my own reflection. 

I see myself by seeing through you. 

I see that I AM…becoming.

Resources

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